Are you proud of me now daddy ?

I'm not particularly good at blogging , the last post was my oddly enough a post that dad would come to visit, now 1 year and 7 months later I don`t have a dad anymore. When I wrote the previous post my life consisted of mostly joy and no worries, just two months later our world would be turned completely upside down.

The past year has without doubt been the toughest I 've had in my life . From being a student in Hungary, who had a little trouble with missing her family so much, I went to be a student abroad with a terminally ill father back home in Norway .

In mid-April last year I got the worst message a person can get, my dad was seriously ill. In mid-May , we learned that disease we had to face was small celled lungcancer which was metastasising  to the brain. At the same time I should start my second exam period.

Those who knew my dad know that he was the type who never gave up , and the most important ting to him was that I should not give up my studies and come home to Norway because of him. I tried as best I as I could to make my dad proud, I was in Hungary and started the exam period . After a few weeks I realized that this was going to be difficult , I sat in the library and studied but my mind was everywhere else than in the books . Around this time my mom and sister came to visit, they knew that I was struggling and needed some support. It was nice  to have someone who cared for me and who could help me up when I failed exam after exam. I was so far down as one could be, and to go to the exam to be pressed further down, is not something I would recommend.

In early June, my grandfather died , he was an old man and had been ill for a long time , but it's always sad when you lose someone. Since I was having so much problems with my exams I had to put in all my effort the last two weeks, I had to remain in Hungary when the others went home for the funeral. Funnily enough , on my grandfathers funeral day , I passed my first ( and only) exam this period.  When I had finished the exam the first thing I did was to call my dad , I was so happy I just wanted to scream and dad knew right away that I had passed my exam . He was so happy he almost cried , it was so nice  about my dad, he expressed such joy and pleasure and it was so much fun to delight him. Again, for those who knew dad , they know that he NEVER cried , so it was so funny that he was so happy for something that he almost cried and it was the one to blame for it .

Exam period continued and with countless attempts,  I passed only that one exam this period. It was one really embarrassed Ida who returned home for summer vacation. But still it was insanely good to come home. Dad was getting started with chemotherapy right after I got home and I was able to be with him the whole weekend before . Between cures dad was so afraid of getting infections that he just sat home alone for 10 days straight. So when the recovery  period was over I could come visit again . I had many trips to dad this summer and although it was very nice to get lots of time together, it was painful to see my big, strong daddy  became weaker and weaker . Eventually, he  got exhausted from a trip to town, or out to dinner and he slept several times a day.

When I came back to Hungary after the summer I managed to pass a second exam , dad was probably the happiest one of us all..  Autumn came and the treatments took more and more of dad`s strength. He had a few hospital stays and eventually he started radiation. This took all his strength and he was never himself again after this treatment. Fortunately I only had a few subjects at school this semester and I was able to go home once a month to stay a few days with my dad , I know that both he and I appreciated all this time we got together.

Dad never gave up hope , I knew all the way with my experience in health care and this type of cancer, that patients survival chances are 0-1 % over 1 year . So I knew we had to use all the time we had together, just because every time could be the last . Dad was nevertheless very positive and always talked about what he would do when he got better. A new tour to visit Hungary was high on the list , he looked forward to it . Unfortunately, dad never got so well that he could visit me again :(

I'm so glad I got one last Christmas with my dad. The last few years, dad gathered his children for Christmas dinner on the 3rd day of Christmas,  it was his joy of Christmas. Dad has never been especially interested in celebrating Christmas, but after we started our own Christmas tradition, it became  a nice tradition that we`ve been very fond of. We made Christmas dinner together, and opened the gifts and had a extra day of Christmas. This year my dad was in very bad shape and he hardly touched his food , he usually ate giant servings of dinner ! But still it was good to celebrate with him , mostly because I knew it would most likely be our last.

In Hungary we also have an exam period at Christmas, and this year's Christmas gift to my dad was passing my Chemistry exam. He was so genuinely happy and it was good to see that I was strong enough to handle it . Unfortunately , I could not pass the second exam, Anatomy, so  my dad never got to experience that .

In mid- February, dad got worse again, he called me and discussed whether I thought he should try one last chemo cure, he wanted all his children to be involved in the decision . Unfortunately, new CT scans showed that the cancer now had spread everywhere and that a new chemotherapy would hurt more than it would help.

The 23rd February I received the phone call no 25 - year old should have to get : If you want to say goodbye to your dad, you need to come home now , I booked ticket and Monday morning I left home in a hurry . Dad was moved from the hospital to a a nursing home for terminally ill patients. When I arrived, my dad said to me that he was so afraid I wasn`t going to make it , that he would never see me again . Luckily I managed it . The first day I sat in a chair in dad`s room next to his bed. I dozed off occasionally, but woke up every time my dad was awake and wondering if I was there. He was afraid , he was anxious, he needed to have someone there. He could not explain what he was afraid of, but he grabbed me and made ​​me promise that I was there and I was of course .

At the end, dad was very influenced by his brain metastasis, he was vague and did not manage things on his own anymore. It was good to be there for him , I am incredibly thankful for that today . I talked to him and said everything I wanted to tell him and that I loved him. In the afternoon and evening on Tuesday , we lost contact  with my dad , he did not say anything after that, but still we noticed that he noticed that we were there for him .

The 27nd of February my dad died, at that point me and my family had watched over him for two days . Thankfully he went very peacefully . He looked so relaxed and beautiful . Mom and little my sisters came and picked me up , they took me home and I slept for a day before I went back to Hungary.

Early Friday morning I came home, Friday at 2 I had my first anatomy test. Although I did not do insanely good , I did it better than before at least . And from there , I felt that my dad was with me and gave me support.


It may sound strange, but the next few weeks and months I took the sadness , loss and grief and put it into my school books . I gritted my teeth and I studied like I never studied before . I decided to make something good out of grief , anger, and loss,  I would make my dad proud.

Those who have studied in Hungary (and probably most other places) know that relatively often hear that one is good for nothing . That you are stupid and that you should be ashamed to come to an exam with so little knowledge : p  In the summer exam period, I decided to take all the negative and turn it into something positive , think of the positive things that comes out of it :) I went to the exams and even tough I failed a few times year also I went out of this semester with 6 fives , 2 fours , 4 threes and 1 two, imagine that, no failing! ! The most difficult about this period was every time I passed an exam I took up my phone to call my dad, just to remember that I can actually never do that anymore: (

I know that I always have dad with me, that he follows me , and I take a second look at his picture before I go to a test . If you've never lost someone, or just simply do not believe in things like that, you'll probably  think that I'm weird . But I know my dad is with me and I hope that he is proud of me now :)

I started this post the day I was on my way home for summer vacation, the day I found out I got a 3 on the chemistry exam, which I, only weeks before, had been told that I was not smart enough to pass. It took me quite a long time , however, to write everything down.

In a few days it will be 7 months since I lost my dad,  it still just hurts really, really bad.

For me this is a really personal posts, but it is also therapy for me to write it down. It is also good to be able to share my experiences. Who knows, maybe someone who reads it  go through exact same things and have any questions or suggestions . Just bring it on :)

After getting such massive positive responses, loving and caring words, I decided to translate this post into English as well, since many of my friends don`t speak Norwegian and probably wasn`t able to understand the first post :)